Blue On Black-Ch.6

As soon as they reached the Hyperion, Spike's good cheer had disappeared and the blonde vampire had taken off upstairs, locking himself into one of the suites.

Cordelia went into the kitchen to prepare drinks for everyone, and Fred hastily joined her as the tension in the room mounted.

With Spike temporarily out of reach, Alyum had gravitated to Connor, who seemed to be clueless as to what to do with the younger child.

Once inside, with the door close, Buffy rounded on him. “I think you need to explain what's going on to me, because I so don't get it.”

“Kampala,” Angel corrected. “It's in Africa. It's one of the places they hold the Trials. If you survive them, you're supposed to get your heart's desire as the reward. Kampala hosts the demon Trials.”

“So, he beat them at their own game, and got stiffed with a soul? He should ask for a refund,” the Slayer said.

Angel shook his head. “No refunds. You can ask for something as your reward, but the host of the Trials will only give you your heart's desire. Spike subconsciously wanted a soul, so that's what his prize was.”

“But, why the hell would he want a soul? All he ever did was complain about how soft you'd gotten since you had one,” Buffy said, then frowned. “No offense.”

Angel chuckled. “None taken,” he said. “And I think the reason Spike wanted a soul was because of his feelings for you.”

Sensing that she was about to interrupt, he held up a hand in a gesture for silence. “Just listen to me,” he said. “I know Spike. And yes, he has been known as one of the most vicious, cruel vampires ever to walk the face of the Earth. I'm not going to dispute that, and neither will he. But, out of everyone I've met, human, demon, or vampire, I have never seen anyone who loved as deeply as Spike.”

“I mean, it was Angelus, but not the way he was before. Spending eighty years locked in a body with a soul drove the demon insane. He was never as bad before. Most of what's in the Chronicles isn't even his handiwork. Taking credit for it helped his reputation, so he didn't argue, but nearly half of the kills accredited to Angelus weren't really his,” Angel told her. “If he was half as bad as the Watchers said he was, do you really think they would have been able to get close enough to report what he was doing back to the Council?”

“My point is, restraining the demon, keeping it from doing what's in its nature, drives it insane,” Angel told her. “It's the same with Spike and the microchip. I know it's only been a few years since he was implanted, but for most of that time he's been looked down upon by both humans and demons, half-starved, made-fun of, and beaten up by people he can't defend himself from. It only makes sense that his demon would lash out at some point.”

Buffy sat down, hard. “Oh, God. All those times that we insulted him, just because we could. Xander, especially. He's always hated Spike. He really gets off on mouthing off to him and knowing that Spike can't do anything to him.”

Angel nodded. “That's probably one of the factors that drove Spike's demon into fighting back. Honestly, Spike is the most human vampire I've ever known. He's not above killing to feed, but he never played any of the mind-games Angelus did. When he kills, it's fast, clean, and generally not very painful.”

“Mostly self-defense,” Angel told her. “Some wannabe vampire hunters tried to kill Dru, and when Spike protected her, he got a stake shoved into his gut. He was pissed, and took it out on the hunter that stabbed him, using him as an example for the others.”

Angel nodded. “He's never looked at anyone the way he looks at you. Not even Dru,” he told her. “If he didn't care, he wouldn't wake up screaming from nightmares about hurting you. I'm not saying you should get married, but what Spike feels is real. Maybe as real as it gets. What you do with that information is up to you.”

“Go easy on him, Buffy. I've tried not to kill humans since I got my soul, but there were times when I didn't have a choice,” Angel told her. “I know what he's going through, and it's going to take him a lot to get over what he did tonight.”

Taking a deep, unneeded breath, he answered, “I wanted to die. I felt like the most vile, disgusting thing on the face of the earth, and the only thing that kept me from killing myself as quickly as I could was the knowledge that I didn't deserve to die. Dying would be too easy, the fast way out. I needed to be punished for what I was, so I had to live, and suffer, for everything I'd done without a soul.”

“He's going to need help, Buffy. If not yours, somebody else's. But, I don't want Xander near him,” Angel said. “Spike can't get through this if someone is constantly belittling and insulting him for things he had very little control over.”

The Slayer nodded. “I'll have Xander take the car and go home. I've still got a few days until I have to be back. I'll do what I can to help Spike with this…but I don't know if I can forget what he tried to do, even knowing why it happened.”

Buffy stood just inside the doorway of the room Spike had locked himself into. Of course, Angel had the key, and had given it to her so she could talk to him without the door between them.

As soon as she'd stepped inside, she'd frozen at the sight of the blonde-haired vampire curled into fetal position on the Queen sized bed, asleep.

He was much thinner than she remembered, his cheeks almost sunken, accentuating the dark circles under his eyes.

She felt the sharp sting of tears in her eyes and blinked rapidly to keep them from falling. She would almost rather Spike was trying to kill her than see him this broken shell of who he'd been before.

She felt her chest constrict as a soft whimper came from the sleeping vampire, his expression twisting into one of horrified agony. “Buffy, no…Oh, God…” his voice was a mixture of terror and disgust.

Throwing caution to the wind, Buffy padded silently to the bed and sat down on the edge, watching Spike's face to see if he noticed her presence. When the sleeper didn't so much as twitch, Buffy edged closer to him.

Spike thrashed in the throes of his nightmare, his words slightly garbled, but understandable. “Buffy, run….No, don't you see? I'm gonna kill you!” he cried out in fear.

Eyes widening, the Slayer scooted closer, laying her hand on his arm gently, shocked at how thin his once-muscular bicep was. “Spike, it's okay,” she told him quietly.

Spike shook his head. “No…never be okay…never be okay again,” he mumbled, tears leaking from beneath his closed eyelids.

“Shh…I'm here,” Buffy soothed, sliding her free arm under his back and pulling him to her until his head rested atop her chest, his tears soaking her shirt as he sobbed, still locked in his nightmare.

It seemed a small eternity before his sobs lessened, and Buffy hoped he'd slipped into a deeper sleep, one without dreams.

“Excuse me? I would've thought you would've been first in line to hand Spike his ass after what he did to Buffy,” Xander argued, ignoring Angel's ultimatum.

The dark-haired vampire stood, managing to tower over Xander, even though the young man was only a few inches shorter.

“Spike is no longer a threat to anyone, especially Buffy,” he said. “If you want to know more, ask Buffy, or Spike. But if you don't shut up about it, I'm going to put my fist through your face.”

After stewing in his anger for a few minutes, Xander crept up the stairs, checking each suite until he located Buffy.

Buffy and Spike were in the same bed. But, he could've overlooked that if the Slayer had been throttling the blonde vampire.

Instead, they were curled so closely together that Xander had a hard time distinguishing where one body stopped and the other began. The only consolation was that they were both fully clothed, and asleep.

Creeping closer to the bed, Xander was able to make out Buffy's deep, even breathing, which caused Spike's head to move slowly up and down, as he was using her chest as an impromptu pillow.

Upon closer inspection, he could see what looked like dried tear tracks on Spike's face, which disturbed him slightly. The only times he had ever seen Spike cry had been when Drusilla left him, and when Buffy had taken a header off of the tower, killing herself.

Even more disquieting was the vampire's overall condition. He looked half-starved, his ribs visible even through his shirt. His arms were bonier than Xander remembered, and his face was thin, sunken, with dark circles under his eyes. Spike reminded him eerily of pictures he'd seen of concentration camp survivors. Why hadn't he noticed that before?

Spike's eyelids twitched as he dreamt, and from the look on the blonde vampire's face, Xander guessed that his dreams were anything but pleasant. If anything, Spike looked as if he were watching his worst fear come to pass.

The vampire let out a choked sob and Buffy's arms tightened around him, comforting him even in her sleep. Spike's head moved on the Slayer's chest until his ear was pressed over the spot where her heart lay, and he stilled, seemingly reassured by the sound.

Confused by his sudden feelings of sympathy for Spike, Xander snuck back out of the bedroom, shutting the door softly behind himself and going back downstairs, where Angel gave him a look that plainly said `I told you so'.

Xander shook his head and went outside into the atrium, sitting down and staring up at the stars, trying to sort out his thoughts. Seeing the normally cocky, arrogant, pain in the ass vampire reduced to a broken shell of his formerly unflappable self had disturbed the brunette more than he cared to admit.

When Buffy joined him outside a few hours later, Xander said nothing, just moved over on his spot of grass so that she could sit down.

Xander's eyes widened at the implications. “I hated him, wanted him dead…But, I wouldn't have wished that on him.”

Buffy gave him an echo of her usual smile. “Me neither. And I haven't hated him for a long time,” she admitted.

The Slayer looked startled by the question, and was quiet, obviously thinking about her answer. “Yes,” she finally replied. “I love him. I just don't know if I'm in love with him.”

“Angel explained it to me,” she said. “He said that the Angelus we met wasn't really how he was, before. The soul drove his demon insane. And the chip had started to do that to Spike's demon,” she told him. “Kind of like trying to tame a wild lion or something. The demon wasn't allowed to do what it was supposed to, and it fought it. Just my bad luck that it decided to do it in my bathroom.”

That made a strange kind of sense to Xander. He'd never thought of demons as having something they were naturally supposed to do. He'd just assumed they killed for the sake of killing, because they were evil. That they killed because it was instinct to do so had never occurred to him until that moment.

Buffy nodded. “Yeah. I forgive him. I can't forget what he's capable of again, not after that. But, I forgive him for it.”

“So, how did he get a soul? I didn't think he could kill a gypsy with the chip,” Xander said, trying to lighten the conversation.

Buffy forced a smile. “He went to Kampala. There's something called the Trials there. If you pass the Trials, you get your heart's desire.”

The Slayer shrugged. “He must have,” she said. “The demon that runs the Trials can see what you want more than anything, even if you ask for something different.”

“He must really love you,” Xander said grudgingly. “I don't think he would've taken a soul for any other reason.”

“He has nightmares about killing me,” she said quietly. “Angel said he's woken up screaming every time he's slept.”

Buffy laughed a little. “Yeah. I don't think he'd survive it if everyone still hated him after everything he went through. He already hates himself enough for all of us.”

Buffy shrugged, looking uncomfortable. “Angel told me what he felt like after he got his soul. He said that he wanted to die, except he felt like he was too horrible to deserve an easy death. Try to remember every horrible thing we've ever said about Spike, and then think about what it means, because he believes every word of it now.”

“Most people would. Or they'd commit suicide. I can't imagine what it must be like to hate yourself so much that you just want to die, but you can't kill yourself because you think that you don't deserve the peace of death,” Buffy said.

“I'll try to be nicer,” Xander said. “But, it's gonna be hard to get out of the habit. I got kinda used to having insult matches with Spike. He always gave as good as he got.”

Buffy smiled, genuinely this time. “I know. It was one of the things I liked best about him. In a weird way, he reminded me of myself. That's one of the reasons I fought so hard to convince myself that I didn't care about him.”

The Slayer nodded. “Yeah, I do. He's part of the family. He has been for a while now. If there's anything more…I don't know yet. But, Dawn was right. He hasn't been evil for a long time. He never would've stayed around if he was.”

“I kept telling myself he was only helping us so we'd trust him and he could kill us later,” Xander said.

“I know. Me too,” Buffy said. “Before we left, Dawn told me that Spike had been playing double-agent for a while. He'd get in good with someone who was planning to kill us all, find out what they were going to do, and then kill them when they least expected it. That's why we didn't have much in the way of vampire or demony problems during the whole Glory thing.”

“I can't believe we never figured it out. We just assumed Glory was scaring everyone else off,” Xander said, feeling stupid.

“The whole thing with the eggs…Spike wasn't helping the bad guys to kill us. He was holding the eggs for the guy who wanted them. He was taking them to Argentina to raise them as guards for a demon village that was being attacked by vampires. Spike was getting paid to keep an eye on them,” Buffy told him.

She sighed. “Clem told Dawn that Spike was going to wire the money into Mom's account to help pay the bills so I wouldn't have to work.”

An agonized scream pierced the quietude and Buffy and Xander were on their feet in an instant, rushing back inside.

Angel had Spike pinned to the bed, keeping him from thrashing too much as he tried to wake the blonde vampire.

Buffy didn't waste time speaking, she just climbed onto the bed on Spike's other side and pulled him away from Angel, tucking the blonde vampire's head against her chest and rocking him. “Shh…It's okay. I'm here. You didn't kill me. I'm right here.”

Spike whimpered softly, clinging to her as he regained his senses, coming fully awake and blinking in confusion at Buffy and Xander's presence.

Buffy didn't let go of him, resting her chin atop his head. “You keep having nightmares about killing me,” she told him.

“I hurt you, too,” Buffy said. “I accused you of things you didn't do, I pushed you away when you tried to help, and I treated you like you were less than worthless. You're family, Spike. You have been for a long time. I love you as much as I love Dawn, or Giles, or Xander, and I'm sorry for pretending that I didn't. I'm sorry for hurting you because I was afraid.”